Snookered

There is a simple elegance to nine-ball. You take turns shooting at the lowest numbered ball on the table, and the first to sink the highest numbered ball on the table wins (either directly or by hitting a lower ball into the nine, thus sinking the nine). There is more to it - like the ball in hand scratch - but for the most part, the game lends itself to aggressive offensive play. Playing a safety shot is as likely to lead to a fluked nine-ball by the opponent as it will extend your chances of winning.

Simple, elegant, aggressive: exactly why nine-ball is so popular in America.

Compare that to snooker, the billiards game dominated by the British. There are fifteen red balls and six other-colored balls that vary in value, between two and seven points. During your turn, you shoot first at a red ball, and having potted that, you can shoot at one of the colored balls. If pocketed, the colored ball returns to the table in the original position. You can continue to shoot until you fail to put a ball in the pocket. The highest possible score without a foul is a 147: sink all fifteen reds in conjunction with the black, and then pot all the colors, once the reds are gone.

That's offense. There is then a defensive side. If potting a ball is unlikely, the player need only connect with the object ball. Smart players will try to place the ball in such a place that the next player can't hit the object ball directly; this is called a snooker. If a player is snooker and fails to hit the object ball (usually a red), the opponent can make the snookered player re-attempt the shot until he gets it right. If ever an object ball is missed, it gives the opponent four points.

If you're smart, and assuming you are because you are reading this, it becomes obvious that this game is for bastards. It literally rewards you for putting your opponent in an uncomfortable situation - for effin' him in the A. Not only that, but you can continue to force your opponent to play through said effin' repeated times, until you are satisfied with the outcome.

There is a sense that snooker is a gentleman's game. This might be because the uniform for professional snooker players is a vest and bow-tie. It's hard to find someone prickish when he or she wears a snappy vest. Couple the snazzy outfits with the hushed reverence surrounding the game, and the tuxedoed referees buffing the balls with white gloves before they put the ball back on the table; it all leads one to believe that this is a game for royalty. Civility and gentlemanly behavior lording itself large in the arena.

In actuality, snooker players have to be jerks to be good at the game. Its more than just screwing over the guy that comes after you; you need to do it in such a way that it is profitable for you. That sort of deviant thinking doesn't come naturally to me, having been raised playing American pool. I have always gone for the aggressive win, rather than the passive win-by-screwing-over-the-next-guy approach.

There could be other reasons why I am not yet an amazing snooker player. The table is about as big a soccer field. The table is so big that there are a variety of rests designed for helping people reach balls that would otherwise require one to mount the table to get the shot. And then, of course, there are extensions: There is a three foot plastic bit that can be slid onto most cues, extensions that can be screwed on to the back of standard cues, or just thin branches that are about the length of the table. The table often succeeds in snookering you when your opponent fails.

Why have the British taken to this game? I can see why Americans don't get it/like it: our concentration levels have been ruined by Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers. At most, Americans can sit through a game of eight-ball. But having to sink 36 ball to win seems gratuitous. I often find myself losing interest in the game about half way through.

And the strategy. Generally my strategy in pool is simple: sink more balls than the guy I'm playing. There are times in a snooker game when it is actually a bad idea to sink the balls, which is the very definition of counterintuitive. Say, for instance, the blue, pink and black balls remain and you are down by 19 points. If you sink the remaining balls on the table, you'll only make 18 points, losing by one despite having pocketed the last balls. Instead, you'll want to try and snooker the other player, hoping to wrack up some sweet, sweet snooker points. Again: this game rewards you being an asshole.

But the British seem to love this game. The snooker hall is often filled, though never often to capacity. There nine snooker tables at the local hall, and on average half of them are filled at any given time. On Wednesdays, when the tables are half priced for students, there is sometimes a wait. There seems to be something hardwired into the British to enjoy cerebral games that reward selfish maliciousness.

And this is not the only point in my life here where I witness the British quietly screwing over those around them. This past election, Plaid Cymru were looking to have their candidate win. Being a seat of Welshyness, there was some talk that he might. So people who didn't want Plaid Cymru to be their delegate voted for the second most popular person, regardless of who they actually wanted to win. Defensive voting.

Or take soccer: if a team is tied up going into the end of the game, and this tie doesn't hurt that team in any particular way, the team will lock down on defense and take the tie. That is what the fans paid for, after all, to watch their team concede to a tie because winning was too dangerous. Remember that sports movie where the one team decided not losing was about as good as winning, and just played out the end of the game to keep the status quo? No. Of course not.

All that said, I have found snooker growing on me. Maybe it's that I have been here too long, or maybe having grown up in a large family, I can understand the need to screw over others to get ahead in life. Only someone raised with five brothers and sisters would understand eating everyone else's favorite donuts, leaving yours (which no one likes) for the end so that you got more donuts than everyone else. Snooker brings out the obstructionist in me that has been hibernating since I found out you could just buy more donuts.